Chatham County Mandates Chastity Belts for Anti-Maskers

In a move intended to slow the spread of the novel coronavirus, Savannah Mayor Van Johnson has put a mandatory chastity belt order in place for all individuals who “continually and with malice put others at risk.”

“If you don’t see the value in protecting human life then maybe you shouldn’t have the ability to create it if you’re not gonna take care of it,” said Johnson.

The move comes as a relief to some but others view it as a burden on their rights. People like local bar lizard Rusty Boyd. “It’s my right to not wear a mask because it traps in all that bad breath,” said Boyd. “And tell me how is a man supposed to enjoy his Skoal with a mask on!?”

Critics argue that chastity belts do not allow for the free flow of oxygen to the pelvic area and that some who suffer from PTSD may not be able to wear them.

“This is to protect the residents of Savannah and Chatham County, both now and into the future,” Johnson explained.

The mandatory chastity belt order goes into effect this Friday and does not have a current end date in place.