Conservative Tourists Offended By Open Container Laws

“We had no idea we would be subject to drunken revelry in such a historic city. We were in Charleston last week and there was no such frivolity. Everyone there seemed to have sticks firmly placed up their asses, like good honest God fearing Christians.”

“This city is clearly firmly in the grips of a satanic influence. It’s not far off from Sodom and Gomorrah, and we all know how that turned out! I suspect God will turn everyone into pepper, obviously to go with all the salt Lot’s wife turned into.”

“Fortunately, St. Patrick’s Day is right around the corner, and it couldn’t come soon enough. This place needs a good religious holiday to help it dry out.”