The Five Types of Savannah Tourists
1) Bachelorettes
While this is the newest category of Savannah Tourist they have rocketed to the top of the list of most annoying. Bachelorettes make their way around the city using echolocation, much like bats. They woo as loud as they can and then wait for other bachelorettes to woo back so they know which direction the next bar is. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate them, they will either ask you to take a group photo (and let’s be honest, they are all too drunk to look good right now anyway) or you will straight up get groped by some sloshed lady name Brooke, all while Samantha just points and laughs.
2) Elderly Trolley Riders
They’re retired and tired. Why are they here in the summer? Is this just an attempt at humidity assisted suicide? The only group that knows how to, and will actually use, the free trolley maps. If you work retail they may try to bargain down the price of basically anything, and if you let them they’ll then whisper to their friends “I really Jew’d them down” as if that’s in any way acceptable. Oh that’s just how you were raised Memaw? Well you ARE raised now, cut that racist shit out! Also, only trains and rugs are oriental now, not people Gram Gram.
3) Conference Badge Holders
What conference is it? Who knows or cares. “Where did the Outback go? It was here last conference we had in Savannah. Oh well, guess we’ll just go back to the convention center and order room service.” These overweight midwesterners travel in groups of 2-80, and no one knows where the fuck anything is. But dang if they won’t ask for directions no matter what, they have Google Maps and are fine with turning around 3 times before they are going in the right direction, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
4) Rat King Bros
A rat king is when two or more rats get their tails tangled together and are usually stuck that way until they die. In a similar way, Rat King Bros. get their dicks all twisted up with each other’s until they are violently ripped apart by either marriage, military service, or death. If one of them drunkenly spills over into the street all his Rat King Bros. will follow suit. They are quieter than bachelorettes, until they aren’t, and then suddenly all words are “fighting words”.
5) Families Too Cheap for Disney World
Have you seen these sad people? Dad is walking 20 feet in front of everyone else, bravely paving the way on his camouflage crocs, cargo shorts, and “Life is Good” t-shirt. Mom is making sure to respond to every comment on their family vacation Facebook pics in real time. They are towing around the most bored kids in the history of family vacations, but thank god they all have smartphones so no one has to talk to anyone. They are also bummed that The Outback Steakhouse isn’t there anymore.
BONUS: SCAD Parents
“Oh my, isn’t this city beautiful!? You have no idea how lucky you are kiddo, if it was me in college right now I would be having a GREAT time in Savannah! Also, me and your mother have discussed it and we don’t want you working a part time job while you’re busy studying, how much money do you think you’ll need until we get back into town next month? And I just wanted to say, while I disagree about your current hairstyle I realize this is just a phase and you are expressing yourself, I’m so proud of you sweetie pie.”